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Facing fears


Every big change in my life since the last few years is proceeded with an incredible mixture of emotions. Signs are literally everywhere so that I even get tired with seeing them. Fears are coming to the surface, frustration arises, tension in the shoulders is present every day. Contrary thoughts are coming to my mind and as an over-thinker, I thoroughly analyse all of them, creating again the scenarios in my head. I also know that my mind creates my reality or perhaps, since everything is possible in quantum, I only receive the messages of possible scenarios into my head? Hard to say how it works actually, both options seem to be truly equal. Was the chicken first or the egg? Who knows….

This time is really different and I can feel my whole body is shaking, because the change is coming and my mind has no idea what exactly it would be. I can feel what this is about, but as usual, we never know the details of our journey and therefore the mind is freaking out. It has no control. And no matter how much or even how little but still, I try to control the reality, it really doesn’t work. I know there are two paths right now, one is a bit more known and the other one is totally unknown, both frightens me so much and at the same time, I know this is something I have been waiting for. The paradox of tremendous fear and joy mixed together. Such moments are extremely difficult and even though I have learned to handle and take care of myself and I really need solitude then, the pain of shedding old skin is so unbelievable, that I hardly find words to describe it. I read, they told me as well, that this is not an easy journey and often you need to walk alone, because you have to be able to dive deep within to experience and understand yourself on deepest levels. But I had no idea how would that feel. Every time I am in such moment, I remind myself of this fact. But there is no way back and I don’t even want to. No matter what is going on at the very moment, I know it will pass and that these are just temporary turbulences. 

My body is very sensitive to energies and I believe it works in the way that when something new is entering my energy field, it pushes away the old and unnecessary and whatever is not serving my highest good. And this process is often painful, mostly on an emotional level. As a Scorpio, a water sign, I experience reality very deep on the emotional level. That helps me to transform my own emotions and others’ too, but sometimes the pain is so deep, that I feel like either someone puts hand into my chest trying to rip out my heart or as if someone puts a huge stone on my chest and I can’t breathe. Both feelings causes extreme emotional pain. I suspect it is a huge fight of ego and letting go of further illusions in order to expand my heart even more to be able to receive what is coming. As ego tends to control reality, it really tries to do everything to know and control the outcome. I really try and the harder I try, the more tired and frustrated I am. And I am fully aware that it doesn’t help. Finally, when I get so tired with all this struggle, the moment of surrender comes. I know the only thing I can do is to let go, surrender and trust. It always works but I always forget in that very moments or perhaps it is just a part of the process. It is just pure energy, the more you push, the more you move it further and away, because of the resistance that is being created in return. When you let go, you release the pressure completely and what should come, will find its way. It will gravitate towards me. But when you want something so much and you know it is so close, you try to bring it even closer, because you literally smell and sense it, you want it to be now. But God always knows better what and when is best for us. Every time I experience this, I become more and more humble, because of the Higher Intelligence that is in control of All that is, is never wrong.

In such moments, I write and I pray. I pray to God to give me strength to go through this pain, because it is so intense that I tend to forget to experience the world around me. I pray to God, my Angels and my Guides for support and guidance and it always comes. Also God already gave me one real Angel- this is my beloved dog Tapas. He is always there and ready to hug and full of love, always by my side. And when I look at him and when I remember how he just came to me, I know that everything is ok and I trust that all is happening for my highest good, no matter how much time it takes and how my patience is being tested to the extreme levels. 

Isn’t he sweet?

With love,

Marta ???


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