Between old and new

22/10/2020

How is it happening that sometimes we take decisions which may seem illogical, odd, perhaps stupid but also courageous, interesting, out of the box (however we like to describe it)? I’ve heard many different opinions about my decision, but most of all I trusted myself or perhaps I should say my Self and my gut feelings.

It was more than a year ago when I strongly felt inside, that my life isn’t really the life I want to live, it was not aligned with what I felt within me. It’s not also that I was desperately unhappy or unsatisfied (however such moments also appeared), but most of all I felt like a part of my life, certain phase of it is coming to an end. A phase in which I realised a part of myself. I have experienced lots of beautiful but also toxic relations. I have undertaken many different tasks and responsibilities, sometimes not necessarily nice but sometimes also really huge and inspiring and in every moment I felt like I am moving forward in the right direction. Sometimes I needed to step back as well, which I believe is normal in order to move forward again with different perspective. Some memories and reflections just came to me while writing this, so I feel like I want to share them.

Being a student I earned money for my personal expenses by being a hostess in supermarkets and one of the products I had to propose to customers, where herrings. Special type of herrings- kashubian style (it is one of the regions in Poland), new on the market ;). I shall add, that since I remember, I hated herrings, especially the smell and that hasn’t changed until now :). Moreover I had my 12 hour shifts in between huge refrigerators so I was freezing as hell! But nonetheless I really liked that occupation, because people were coming and buying herrings from me. After more of a dozen years later, I worked for the big company which owned this whole shopping centre and I was involved in creating new strategy for the project as well as together with my workmate, we were designing extensions and reconstruction of it. And not only this one, actually it was the whole portfolio of the projects that were bought by the company I worked for. What an amazing feeling and gratitude that I could do such wonderful and creative things of which I would never have thought about in the past, especially having no official background in this field. Well, we never know when life takes us, we can only follow the guidance, sometimes by doing unordinary ordinary things, as long as they come from the heart.

The change has been arising within me, but a year ago I wasn’t ready to quit my job, in spite of even making prior announcement about my intention at work. I was also in relation which has just started so all that was just a reflection of certain stage and that at that time I wasn’t really ready yet. There is always another moment, also I believe, that everything happens in the right time. And the right time is when you are ready. So, finally the right moment came for me, when I was absolutely sure the decision is to be taken and the whole pandemic situation certainly stimulated it as well. I felt very clearly what is not totally mine, with my entire being.

However, I remember that just before the pandemic started I had a strong decision within me to settle down in Warsaw, to have my own place, I was desperately looking for my place. So I searched for a new place to buy, taking a bank loan of course, huge loan! These were the property prices in Warsaw, which I acknowledged as ridiculous, but well, I could afford that… So I made simulations and calculations and I thought it still ok, I can easily afford that with my income. I’ve looked at several places and there was always something wrong for me, in one place 1 bedroom instead of two, in another bedroom was too small and too noisy outside, another one with windows on one side only, no and no! I know it may sound like I am to picky, but I thought that if I am to take a 30 years bank loan for a place which I don’t truly like, I would consider myself a lunatic! It wasn’t aligned with what I needed deep down inside and I said to myself that I am not able to compromise on that. No way! It is the world we created, we give value to things we create, but is it really worth it, is it really worth to compromise so much for things which are far away from our dreams? Is it worth a debt or are we simply blind to other possibilities? I continued to search, I wasn’t giving up in spite of inner doubts and by doing that I started to realise what I don’t want. That I don’t want to live in the noisy city, in an apartment without balcony or even the one with it but still far away from what my dreams were, fancy apartment „million value” home in prestigious Warsaw location, whatever that actually means. One of the places which attracted my the most was one of the Warsaw’s prestigious places on the map, quite cameral and green, low buildings and not so crowded, like a small town within a big city. I decided to read about this place and now I know why it was attracting me so much, I read that it used be an island. I just smiled to myself and felt something really warm inside. I was in the course of negotiations with the owner of the building and I have made a hand sketch design of my place in the Mediterranean style :), but when I got to the point of final decision I quit, I felt it would be wrong. Some time after the pandemic started in Poland.

I considered also other cities and towns in Poland, I have searched a whole internet I guess to find something which would suit me. I was very close to move to the Polish seaside, which is beautiful but also for me it is definitely too cold. I needed a warm place. I felt that any place I considered in Poland would be still an old type decision and I knew that it is not want I truly want. Deep down inside I knew I want to go to a completely new place, where I don’t know anyone, don’t know the local customs and traditions. I knew it needs to be warm and that it needs to be an island ??. Just thinking of this was already making me happy! Love palm trees ?

I am not able to give any logical explanation to it and thank God I’m not. Wouldn’t that be boring if we were able to explain everything in a local way? Where would all the magic of life be? ?

Most of this year was a stage between old and new, were I was still hanging onto some old ways and patters, but new was coming at the top to see the light, the light of my new life. Spring pandemic was tough both at work and in the private life (I am sure it was difficult for all of us, who would expect it!). Due to the circumstances the atmosphere at my work was extremely challenging and stressful, daily negotiations turned to fights, everyone tried to survive and very often people described this situation as war, which made me feeling like I was taking part in one. Happily, there were moments of fruitful collaboration and understanding, what helped me survive until the last days there. I really liked my job for most of the time, but as the calling was louder and louder, the pandemic only made my dot over it. Stress and tension was also daily present in my relation, which I could not stand anymore and needed to release myself from that either. And so the right time came.

It was all coming to me since a long time. These are just the moments when something within you makes a „click”, finally your scattered puzzles comes into a clear picture , your dreams confirm that (I do dream a lot, like having a second life at night 😉 ). All these puzzles are the signs, you heard something, read something, someone told you something like a messenger or a postman bringing a letter and suddenly that „something” truly touches your soul. It resonates like a big bell. It is something that your soul and heart knew, but your mind somehow, well, for obvious psychological reasons, defends you from the unknown until the very last moment, the moment it needs to surrender. Your mind knows the past and project it onto the future, opposite to your soul which is always here and now. Therefore this tricky little bastard wouldn't want the soul and heart to be heard, not at all. We know you!

The day came, the day when I stopped talking and just did it. I wrote a termination of my business contract and shortly after I have also submitted termination of my relationship. What a relief! And then a blissful joy appeared. In spite of having more than a few unpleasant moments of ending the „old”, my heart was extremely happy about the decision and from the bottom of my being I felt I made it right. All these obstacles are just a part of the change, a part of transformation, lessons after which you are getting into the next level of your soul’s evolution. Even if I don’t know what that level is, you are sure that direction is absolutely correct. I don’t need to know all details. I trust my path. I know I can.

New is always unknown, can be exciting or frightening or even a mixture of both, which is exactly my case.

I knew at that time that the situation in the world is as it is and many people weren’t at all optimistic, but I knew I had to trust my own inner voice. Maybe all these difficulties are for us to be reborn as humans and to live a valuable life again. I hope we will learn our lessons well in order not to suffer anymore.

I am aware that sharing my story might be an inspiration for some of you and the perspective of living a simple and good life where obstacles are lessons for us in order to overcome them with love only if we are able to accept such perspective, is affecting a field of consciousness. I chose to share as I believe it is needed. Every single word and very single word affects us all, wether we are aware or not.

Life is exactly how we create it and we create it through our thoughts, emotions and actions.

This is why I learn each day of how to manifest my life consciously as I know that with each aspect of my being I am affecting collective consciousness.

Let our consciousness rise and may we keep love in our hearts no matter the circumstances.

With love,

Marta ???